Everything does matter.

Everything does matter. 

Its funny, you start medical school thinking you are going to matter. That’s why we do it right – we want to matter in this world. We want to matter to our family who are so proud, to the patients, to the patients’ family. We think what we will do as a doctor will matter. How can it not?

Then throughout medical school, you are bombarded with cynicism, some deserved, some undeserved. Your idealism is seriously challenged, but most make it through, holding strong to those simple, quite normal values a layperson would have. Treat people well, be ethical, do your job.

You start work. You start complaining about how many patients you have to see, whether it is 3 at a poorly attended clinic, or a patient suffering from chest pain at 2am. The family members are a pain in the ass.

The glory of medicine, you realise, does not exist. By the time you are re-writing you 400^th medication chart, prescribing lactulose or yet another goddamn discharge summary, you start to think- nothing you do really matters. So why be extra careful? Why put importance into a job where you are a mere paper pusher and your consultant makes all the calls. Nothing you do really matters.

No one notices your mistakes. That missed ECG finding – that patient was probably going to die anyway. Gave that patient his warfarin when he had an intracerebral bleed, but luckily nothing happened, so that doesn’t count as a mistake. Millions of excuses so that we are not made to feel guilty for our actions, whether they have consequences or not. Nothing you do really matters.

Suddenly you are resuscitating a patient. You are confused. She has been here a long time. You saw her every day. How did this happen? Im sure I did nothing wrong right? This isnt my fault? And the classic go-to consoler- “she had a poor prognosis” anyway. Poor prognosis only should console when the patient dies from her illness, not from something you have created by being careless.

Everything does matter. Watch your pen, its your greatest weapon. Watch your words, it can make or break the way a  patient or their family cope. Watch your knowledge, we all have gaps and we all forget. Watch your patient, she or he may be dying in front of you. Being a doctor may not be glorious, but it could be.   Everything does matter.

I love how

I love how

Coffee swirls

In my mouth and in my head

Words dance through the air when I look at you

The cold of the glass feels when I press it against my lips

I can hear the rain outside my closed eyelids

The triple tone gives me happy words

Your eyes sparkle when you are excited

Infectious love is

Everything, now,

Feels like something

My Reality

I want to drown myself in a pot of tea

I want it to rain and rain

Ideas and words

Poetry and metaphors

I don’t want the worlds’ reality

Awkwardness and monotony.

Stumbling,

Nervous laughter.

I want coffee with friends

Conversation

Thoughts and tears

Creating outlines of brilliance

I want my reality

And I will get there.

Tanah Air

Bumi yang tiada rimba

Seumpama hamba

Dia dicemar manusia

Yang jahil ketawa

I open my eyes

Rub the routine out of them

The same four walls

The same surrounding hills

I sit up

Its tomorrow

And I’m closer to home

Bumi yang tiada udara

Bagai tiada nyawa

Pasti hilang suatu hari

Tanpa disedari

I turn the shower on

The music urges me on

Ill get there soon

Its not that long

Its not that long

Time will fly?

I’m closer to home

Bumi tanpa lautan

Akan kehausan

Pasti lambat laun hilang

Duniaku yang malang

I walk to work

The same old route

People horn in recognition, and wave

It should fill me with familiarity

But each day I’m less familiar

And each day

I’m closer to home

Dewasa ini kita saling merayakan

Kejayaan yang akhirnya membinasakan

Apalah gunanya kematangan fikiran

Bila di jiwa kita masih lagi muda

Dan mentah

Ku lihat hijau

Work

Purpose

I turn the music off

And I tell some one
Today,

I’m closer to home

Bumiku yang kian pudar

Siapa yang melihat

Di kala kita tersedar

Mungkinkah terlewat

I walk home

The song plays again

Another day is over

I’m closer to home

Oh..anok-anok

tokleh meghaso mandi laok

Besaing,maing ghama-ghama

Ale lo ni tuo umurnyo bejuto

Kito usoho

Jauhke dari malapetako

Im on the dance floor

And the band plays the song

And I close my eyes

No more countdowns

No more farewells

Oh..anok-anok

tokleh meghaso mandi laok

Besaing,maing ghama-ghama

Ale lo ni tuo umurnyo bejuto

Kito usoho

Jauhke dari malapetako

I’m home.

(song lyrics from Zainal Abidins' Hijau)

Merdeka

I’ve been away a long time. Every Merdeka Day, I would make a big deal about it. When I was in University I would carry a flag in my backpack, and so people would ask me why, and then I could tell them all about Merdeka. I would have dinners and invite all my Malaysian friends, I would totally go the distance to make sure that I was celebrating Merdeka to the max, even though I was not home. I was always infused by this patriotic emotion that I wanted to share with everyone.

This year, I AM home, after years of struggling to get here.

And this year, I don’t feel much different on Merdeka day.

I couldn’t figure out why this was. Since I have been home, I’ve met amazing people, had great opportunities and experiences, all of which have only reaffirmed why I have come home. I thank god every day when I wake up to pink skies and the azan. I’ve started everything that I have put on pause for years now.

I realise I used Merdeka as a vehicle to harness all my sadness and my passion for coming home. I realise I don’t need that anymore. Right now, every day feels like Merdeka. Every day I get to celebrate what is Malaysian, talk about Malaysian issues, and exalt in being part of a Malaysian future. I’ve been liberated, when I never knew I was trapped.

I’m finally home, I want to be part of the change I know is happening, I want to be part of the solutions I can feel forming in the minds of the brilliant people around me, and I want to be part of the ideas that shape the future of this nation. This is going to be a great year.

Selamat hari Merdeka!

Freedom From Fear

“ The only real freedom is freedom from fear”

Aung San Suu Kyii

I watched Low Wei Yans youtube video, and I liked what he had to say. But I do feel differently about one thing. I am afraid to walk on July 9th. At this stage, I am going, but not because I’m brave. I’m not. I don’t want to be tear-gassed, I don’t want to be manhandled, and I certainly don’t want to argue with police officers in my questionable BM. I spend my free time eating cupcakes at Bisou at Bangsar Village, I would do poorly in prison. There are probably cicak there and stuff.

I wondered when I watched this video, or when I read RPKs article, or read the countless articles/blogs on why this protest is important and almost, unavoidable for the progress of the country - What are the ethical implications in us encouraging people to attend these demonstrations/protests/walks? Is it not fact that the Malaysian police are a trigger-happy lot, that there has already been disclaimers made, and certain communities being targeted? There are plenty of human rights violations waiting to happen here.

I’m not suggesting that the bloggers, activists and people who are encouraging attendance are being inappropriate or irresponsible. I think it is an important cause and I want a good turnout as well. And in fairness, most people take a personal stance and explain why they are walking, rather than blatantly spreading glorified propaganda. This is a personal conflict I have which I have been thinking about, the more I read, the more I talk to my friends about whether to go, and the more I think about the risks involved.

I think I would feel somehow responsible for any injuries, or, god forbid, deaths that could result from this protest, if I encourage others to go. Although I share information regarding the event, I don’t think I will encourage or suggest others to attend this. It’s a decision to be taken seriously, and to be taken as an individual.

If you do decide to come, come with the knowledge that you could be arrested, tear gassed or water cannoned. You could be trampled and you could be abused. These risks are part and parcel of why this event is important. In principle we are walking because we want clean, free and fair elections.

But in my mind, we are also walking for the right to be heard, the right to not be afraid to take to the streets in peaceful protest. That is the Malaysia we are fighting for, and the Malaysia we believe can exist. We are fighting for our right to vote in elections that are fair, for the politicians who can make this happen. And if they don’t do it, the same right will allow us to replace them with those who will. And so on, and so on.

We are walking to say hear us, the rakyat are in charge. Walk if you believe in that , but with the knowledge that the fact that we have to walk for this cause at all means that the Malaysia we hope for is within our grasp, but unfortunately is not the Malaysia we live in yet.

Race Rhetoric

“There is no restriction in law. In our constitution there is nothing to stop a Chinese or Indian from becoming a Prime Minister. What is needed is support from the majority. If the majority agrees, there is nothing we can do”

Tun Dr Mahathir, Prime Minister of Malaysia 1981-2003

This exemplary description of what is really the basic principles of democracy was uttered by our ex prime minister as a poisonous warning. He wasn’t hiding the fact that it was a warning. That was quite clear. The poisonous part however, he didn’t have to say but I’m sure most of us heard it, if not, felt it.

I can imagine the multitude of responses to this statement, from different kinds of people within different races. I don’t think each race would have responded homogenously, it just depends on the type of person you are. There would be anger, disappointment, vigorous nodding of heads and many other negative emotions. Great start to the next election campaign.

More disharmony, more conflict, more racist intonations. We have already had so many displays of racism , from educators of the next generation to the rappers (who the next generation listen to). Way to move forward, Malaysia.

Which other countries have a race restriction on their prime ministership? Can you imagine if Australia, or India came out tomorrow and said “actually only white people, or only Hindus, can be the prime minister? “. The world would laugh them off the stage. But in Malaysia, this kind of statement and rhetoric could possibly win the existing federal government their next election.

Let us go back to the last sentence “What is needed is support from the majority. If the majority agrees, there is nothing we can do”. The majority represents the rakyat. I wonder who Tun means when he says there is nothing “we” can do. Who is we? The way I look at it, if a majority votes someone in for PM, no matter what race they are, that means there are also many Malays voting them in. And if the PM is not addressing issues of concern, they can vote them out. That is all a democracy is about.

No Prime Minister of Malaysia, no matter of what origin, would be able to ignore the plain truths - The majority of the rural and urban poor, those having difficulty accessing health and education services, those suffering from preventable illnesses - these would be Malay people. This is not a Malay issue, however, it is a Malaysian one.

These are issues that deserve attention from politicians and the rakyat not because these people are Malay. Not even because they are Malaysian.

But because they are people. You do not have to be a Malay or Muslim prime minister to care about the people who are suffering or have less in the country you share with them.

I love my country in a way that words fail me. If you know me, you will know that is some serious love. And as long as BN runs the country, I will never be able to vote directly for my Prime minister, even if I joined BN! For 3 reasons – I am a woman, I am Hindu and I am not Malay. Does this make sense to anyone? If it does, please explain to me, because I am ready to try to understand.

Sunset

The sun slips into its envelope of grey cloud

This perfect circle of red

Mocking the imperfections of humankind

I watch it fall

Painstakingly slow into the horizon

Away from my grasp,

Away from my presence

I know it will be back

And I know I will see it again

But it doesn’t make a difference

Because it still will be dark until tomorrow.

A Difference in Opinion, A Difference in a Dream

Last night, I met a young Malaysian gentleman, who was a friend of a friend. As is well known to most, I am passionate about overseas-educated young Malaysian professionals returning home. This young man (we will call him Dinesh) is one such example. Much to my pleasure, he had recently returned home after studying in Australia. I asked him three questions. Each answer increasingly surprised me, both pleasantly and otherwise.

First question: What draws you to coming back home?

He answers. Well, to be truthful, I want to go into politics.

Second question: Which political party do you support?

He answers. Barisan Nasional.

Now, when people tell me they support BN, I always respond with a mixture of fascination and curiosity. I suppose I surround myself with people of similar ideology, okla left wing hippies, but those who share my beliefs. So when I meet a right-winger, and someone who in my view goes against the tide, I always want to know – why? We engaged in pretty lively debate (which I think I won but I perhaps have the upper hand here as I am writing this) about BN vs PR. I tried to explain that I supported certain PR politicians and policies, but am always worried about supporting parties wholeheartedly and with blind faith as of course their course may run awry. I also stressed that I do not and will not support BN until their fundamental structure of their coalition changes. i.e no more race-based parties. I, like many, think there is no place for that in our political environment any longer. He was of the opinion that PR would become race-based eventually, and shared the understandable fear that all the parties have their own agenda. Fair enough, we agreed to disagree and move on.

Third question: Why do you want to be a politician?

He answers. I want to help my people.

His people. At first I was a bit confused, because I didn’t know who he meant. The penny dropped quite quickly, I can’t claim to be that naive or colour-blind. He meant Malaysian Indians. Which is completely fair, Malaysian Indians are a group that there suffer from discrimination in Malaysia (among many others). I wanted him to be different, I wanted him to say he cared about all Malaysians. Like many in my solidarity hub of a Twitterverse.

I wished I had asked him this question before the one before, because if I had known his political aspiration, I could understand his decision to support and be a part of Barisan Nasional. It would likely be easier to support and work on policies to support Malaysian Indians from a party representative of Malaysian Indians.

I wanted to tell him that racial politics was a thing of a disappearing past. That we vote for non-racial agendas and along non racial lines. I was all ready to start citing examples of politicians, activists, friends, lawyers, doctors, tourist guides in Kelantan that believe that. I remember speaking to a senior BN guy, who told me he didn’t believe there should be a 1Malaysia, that Chinese didn’t want to be Malay and Malay people didn’t want to be Indian, and Indian people don’t want to be Orang Asli. He says we are all equal in Malaysia, fundamentally because we are all Malaysian, as per childhood, as per passport, as per birthright.

I wanted to convince Dinesh, that ‘his people’ were all Malaysians that were discriminated against, all Malaysians that were poor, all Malaysians with no access to health care or education and all Malaysians that needed a young voice to support them.

But then, I stopped myself. I realised that I was upset, not at Dinesh, but at the fact that he might be representative of a young population that I didn’t want to know still existed in Malaysia. I wanted the next generation of young politicians to be Eli Wong-Sivarasa types. Because they believed in what I believed in. They want what I want for Malaysia and future Malaysians. But, I stopped myself (which is amazing for me!).

Because, Dinesh is allowed to have different dreams for Malaysia. What is significant is that he HAS dreams for Malaysia. He has the opportunity for a easier, more convenient life and he chooses to come back home and make it better in the way he believes is best. A young Malaysian who can vote is hard to find these days, but a young Malaysian who wants to make change for our country is rare and should be appreciated, no matter what.

A Sure Escape (fictional)

It was a good house, with a bad idea. She could see it on her skin, she tried to scrub it out in the shower. She could feel it in her eyes, and she tried to wash it out with her tears. She stretched in out in her false smile to her friends, and she hid it deep in her laugh. It was morning when she stared at the pink marker on the test strip. She realised that what she had feared would be her trap was her sure escape. She closed the door. She realised it had only been her holding it open, and he had been gone a long time. She leant against it, and breathed a sigh of pained relief. It was finally over. Now what? She looked at the couch in the living room. It couldn’t be back to normal yet, not just yet. She sat carefully on the edge of the couch. She turned on the TV to Gossip Girl, where Blair was once again being outshone by Serena. She smiled.

This Is Not Us.

I was sitting in Kuala Terengganu airport when I read about the protest in Shah Alam. I skimmed through the article quickly. When it was mentioned that a cows’ head had been brought along, I assumed that it was a figure of a cows head. I even went so far to think “that could be a construed as a respectful gesture”. It did not even cross my mind that this type of behaviour was possible in a society such as ours. Perhaps I’m not that bright, or maybe naïve, but either way it would have been nice to have remained that way a little longer.

I landed in KL, and was told by my dad that it was a severed cows’ head. I remained disbelieving till I watched it for myself. Even then I remained numb, not reacting, waiting to see what ensued from this incident.

I was amused when I saw Malaysiakinis headlines were ‘“Don’t blame cowhead protestors” says Hisham’, and the Star blared the headlines ‘“Charge them” says Hisham’. All from the same press conference. Bilateral Bias at its best.

So I watched it myself. That way I could form my own opinion on what he was trying to say. All this benefit-of-the-doubt-giving to a man who has sorely disappointed and offended us all in the past.

Neither of the headlines was what I took away from the press conference. The most striking thing, for me, was when he said

“the organizers, who are sitting on the left and right of me…”

He was sitting with them. How much more of a show of solidarity do you need. A clear message. You who march peacefully, we will teargas and arrest you, child or man. You, who exhibit violence and cruelty as you march, we will sit amongst you, and find a solution.

He sat side-by-side with the leaders of the protest, told us they were ignorant of the cow’s head, told us they simply wanted their opinion heard. He said that bringing the cow’s head was “sensitif’. What does that even mean anymore? Some things are just plain wrong, cruel, disrespectful. Step up, and SAY IT.

Malaysiakini has been asked to take it down because it is provocative. The video is not provocative, the man who is speaking at the press conference is. Aren’t the public the known audience of a press conference. He was speaking to be heard.

The numbness has worn off.

Being hindu, I was hurt. Being Malaysian, I was mortified. Being human, I was disgusted.
The racism, the animal cruelty, the disregard and disrespect of religion, the double standards, the politicians who do not understand the depth of our protests…

This is not us. Not for one minute do I believe this is Malaysia.

We are muslims who rush to a temple to show their solidarity with their hindu brothers and sisters. http://harismibrahim.wordpress.com/2009/09/07/the-beautiful-malay/ We are academics and professionals who have spent hours of our lives working towards a better Malaysia http://thenutgraph.com, http://www.othermalaysia.org/, http://malikimtiaz.blogspot.com/. We are patriots who are now forced to live away from our homeland http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_5pbZNCjoQE. We are gay men and women, and transsexuals, empowered to celebrate our sexuality http://star-ecentral.com/services/sprinterfriendly.asp?file=/2009/8/23/soundnstage/4563501&sec=soundnstage

We are passionate young men and women who write, direct, and create art in the name of learning who we were, who we are, and who we can become. http://15malaysia.com/, http://10tahun.blogspot.com/

We are pretty awesome.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r27Fbx4Crg8\

This is not us.

undisputed

it moves me to poetry
my misunderstood malaysia
the mist among the highlands
i never needed to know where it came from
if i have to leavei want to take with me, a piece
a piece, of undisputed belonging
we will be inseperable
leading each other home
i remember how the grey and white
of the early morning
turned into the greens of the day
but the mist remained
it was always there- still, constant, undisputed.

Rainbow Massacre

Like many Annexy (or Annexy Sexy, as one of tonights shows co-hosts put it) events, I had no idea what I was in for when I booked my tickets for Rainbow Massacre. And once again, I was invigorated and impressed with the talent we have in our country.

To begin with the co-hosts were funny and spontaneous, with their own brand of sophistication (and I need this, being the hippie-yuppie I am). The acts ranged from Bohemian Rhapsody to original songs by Malaysian artists, all surrounding the theme of liberation, being comfortable with oneself, and being able to be comfortable with oneself. Again our young Malaysians impressed me with their combination of comedic and musical talents, all the while in regards to a serious and relevant topic.

My favourite part of the night was at the end when we all were given the lyrics to Sejahtera Malaysia and asked to sing along. One friend of mine agreed that we have never felt so moved by the song. I was surprised that such a mainstream song was chosen, but I understood later that we needed something we all had in common, and in such a diverse crowd (in so many ways) we really only had one thing for sure. Being Malaysian.To quote Sheila, one of the co-hosts “1Malaysia, 2Malaysia, 3Malaysia, its better than no Malaysia!”

I have a particular attachment to the song. Before I left to study in Australia, I remember listening to it and thinking about my beautiful, perfect, multicultural country and melodramatically crying at the thought of leaving. As I grew up and read more, my perfect world soon started to fall down around me. I realized I had just bought into the whole farce, and the layers underneath were complex and unjust. Tonight as we all sang together, truly regardless of race, religion, and sexuality, I felt I got a very real piece of my perfect world back.

Dancing Depur

The drumming didn’t cease
Even though the party was over
We carried it in our hearts
The next day

We felt the lightness of their feet
And the steadiness of their song
As they wished us well
And thanked us grandly

We felt but tried not to feel
The sadness in their eyes,
The pain in their limbs,
And the burning in their hearts.

Poverty poetry aka the National Poverty Summit

Malaysia now,
Is certainly not bereft
Of issues so sordid
As sex scandals,
Corruption and theft

That I was happy to see
That amidst all this s**T
ASLI and CPPS
Held the National Poverty Summit

4 stunning chandeliers,
Hung above a photo
Of a poor woman, child on her lap
A perfect reflection
Of the income gap

Despite that
Real issues were to be discussed
With politicos and the like
And we were all waiting for
The PM to wield the mike

Badawi strode up, smiley and warm
Who would’ve guessed, miles away
A No Confidence vote
Was causing a storm!

“Urban poverty is
Rural povertys reflection”
He spoke of strategies
Headed in the right direction

E-Kasih! Microcredit! Zakat!
Health and education subsidies
He says he has put these in place
Perhaps the man is not such a disgrace

Sulochana Nair
Spoke of all things dire,
Well she didn’t as such,
I just couldn’t rhyme Nair with much.

She spoke with passion and haste
Of all the pain and issues faced
But was pragmatic, and sound
She thinks UN guidelines should be applied to the ground

Then came the MP from Seputeh
Man, shes cool.
Teresa Kok is, in herself,
An antipoverty tool.

Low cost housing provided too far away,
There is nowhere for the kids to play!
From this a healthy society can not grow
Indeed from the crime rate this does show

Next was Selangors new Mentri Besar
Who apologized for his poltical faux pas
His controversial immigrant tax, he says
Was misunderstoond in so many ways

He admitted he was wrong
Which in my mind, is strong
We need more politicians like Khalid Ibrahim
But looking around right now, chances of that
Are certainly grim

There were many others of note,
Dr Ng Yen Yen, I can see how why she got the vote
Walao! The way she described it
Malaysians really deserve more credit

The statistics of which she announced
Were based on definitions already denounced
We cannot be proud
Till we have healthcare and education all round

One thing was missed
Refugees left out of the list
How do we expect to prevent the urban poverty rise
If a large part of them nobody will even recognise?

There was many wise words,
and a few foolish turds
But it was heartening to see live discussion
To see in the audience true passion,
In working towards the end of poverty
Because only then,
we will be truly free.



The above are all those that stood out for me personally, and in no means sums up and shows the most pertinent parts of the summit. It was by the way, well organised and very interesting! And unlike what is going on in most headlines of most newspapers, MSM and otherwise, these are key issues for our country. CPPS/ASLI has done a fabulous job of putting together a poverty fact sheet, a summary of the summit, and the reforms already in place, and those reforms suggested! Its FANTASTIC!

(http://www.cpps.org.my/sub_page.aspx?catID=398&ddlID=401)

I recommend the presentations on the low cost housing. Fascinating!

As Jeffrey Sachs (my favourite economist) says

"We can be the generation to end poverty, but will we?"

Slavery in Malaysia?

June 20th was International Refugees Day- and I received many articles/reports on the state and treatment of refugees in Malaysia. A few things stood out, although upon a background of more chronically terrible facts.

The first thing that took me aback was that there was a survey, that had been commissioned by USCRI (the US Committee for Refugees and Immigrants) that had Malaysia in the TOP TEN WORST COUNTRIES in terms of violation of refugee (hence human) rights. You know who else was in this prestigious list?

Iraq. Sudan. Bangladesh.

These are the countries people are seeking refugee FROM?! I am so ashamed. I thought Australia was bad (and it is) with their treatment of refugees. I should have looked closer to home.

Things became worse as we read on. One of these violations that earned us such a honoured spot was that Malaysian officials turned these refugees directly over to human smugglers. They then go on to either smuggle them back into Malaysia OR sell them into slavery to Thai fishing boats or brothels as sex workers.

Our fellow Malaysians are engaging in slavery.

I started reading up more on refugees in Malaysia. This issue is so incredibly complex, that trying to get one fact-filled, emotion-filled, exhaustive blog entry on it was impossible and not true to the aspects in question.

There are *&*6loads of other issues that are key, which range from the actual definition of refugee and asylum seeker, the importance of recognition, as well as how refugees are used as a political, religious and racial tool.

But for now, back to the slavery,

'Slavery is known as a system where certain persons are deprived of personal freedom and compelled to work. Slaves are held against their will from the time of their capture, purchase, or birth, and are deprived of the right to leave, to refuse to work, or to receive compensation in return for their labor.'

If anyone can point out the differences between this, and whats happening at the Malaysian-Thai border, please do.

Now before we say “but they are illegal immigrants” or “they are just looking for a better life”, or “what about our own problems” as we eat dinner with our family in the comfort of our homes, lets just pretend.

Lets pretend, that these truly are people seeking asylum, seeking refuge, trying to protect their families, trying to survive life. We not only turn them away at our doorstep, we not only pretend to look the other way, we actively sell them like products to a significantly worse life. A life where even their choice of freedom has led them to a prison.

I love this country. And I know we can do better.

Whats happening to refugees and asylum seekers here, and the consequences of that to society is a major issue. This is just the tip of the iceberg, to highlight how dire the situation is. Human rights is not some artsy fartsy left wing issue. Its almost all that matters. This is not something we can or should ignore any longer... so watch this space... theres so much more to come.

Proposal for a new DSM IV diagnosis

Disclaimer: I realize that this is a ridiculous notion, and I really don’t mean to insult anyone who have made the comments below. I also think that most of us are guilty of making such comments, and although I sound really self righteous in this, I know I’m guilty of this too. This just reflects my anger at some of these flippant comments. It’s a reminder to myself as well that most things happen as a result of consequence, likely caused by society itself.


Proposal for a new DSM IV diagnosis

For those of you who don’t know, the DSM IV is the Diagnostic and Statistic Manual, 4th edition. It is the book by the American Psychiatric Association, and it includes all psychiatric diagnoses and the criteria for these diagnoses.

In the past few months Ive heard many comments like “Homosexuality should be re-included in the DSM”, “the Australian government should not be sorry because they were well intentioned” (this person was referring to the Stolen Generation, and if you don’t know what this is then google or wiki it please), “sex workers deserve HIV/AIDs”. I’m sure everyone could add a few in they have heard, kan? Now this may because Ive left the comfort zone of my hippie, left wing, activist gang and have recently started work in a new place, but these words still came as a slap in the face.

Try to argue. You get called “sensitive, argumentative, idealistic”. Whatever people can think of, when they can’t think of logical arguments. I even had someone laugh in my face.

Anyway as I was walking back from hospital the other day, fuming as I had just heard someone recite the statistic that “8 out of 10 aboriginals – or I think the word native was used- in Australia, are either criminals, or drug/alcohol abusers”. After establishing that this was a statistic completely made up, perhaps from his myopic observations at Victoria Square in Adelaide, I started wondering.

Why do some people seem so narrow minded, and even if they are ignorant of the social problems that underlie some of these issues, why are they so unwilling to broaden their minds, listen and realise most problems are a result of marginalization of some sort.

Then I realized, I was doing the same thing. To these people who were making the comments. I wasn’t wondering WHY they said these things, I was just so angry that they did, and that they took nothing of logic into consideration. Then I tried to explore (in my head, anyway) the reasons that people are like this. Background, upbringing, exposure, education, all these things matter. Of course most of these people had similar background to me, but still there must have been some differences that affected the way we think

Im not saying im perfectly non-judgemental, and have a mind as open as a wicket behind an outlandishly confident batsman. We all have our moments, but the point is you try not to be. There is no point in being judgemental, it doesn’t solve any problem, and its such a headache trying to balance that halo on your head.

So back to my first paragraph – with the comment about homosexuality being reintroduced in to the DSM, I had an epiphany. Maybe narrow mindedness should be a psychiatric disorder, then I could possibly understand it better. The best thing about it would be that like all psychiatric disorders, it would become unfairly stigmatized!

Furcamentis (from the Latin Furca- Narrow, Mentis- Mind)

A. Presence of 2 or more of the following symptoms for more than 5 years continuously
- inability to accept alternative lifestyles, even though these are not affecting ones own life
- concrete thinking and fixed ideas although a logical and more humane explanation is available
- disordered argument process regarding controversial issues
- constant need to pipe up during an argument and profess opinions when no actual knowledge has previously been acquired

Note : Only one Criterion A symptom is required if the symptoms are racist or potentially exacerbating of the social problem underlying the argument

B. Social/Occupational dysfunction

For a significant amount of time, two or more people at work are offended or take issue with what is said. Interpersonal relations are strained as everyone thinks you are a bigot.

C. Duration

Continuous signs of the disturbance persist for at least 5 years. This must be during adulthood, when seemingly free from peer pressure, and ability to think for oneself is present.

D. Substance/General Medical Condition exclusion

The disturbance is not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance or a general medical condition

E. The symptoms are not better accounted for by another psychiatric condition or a pervasive developmental Disorder

The fact that the name I came up resembles a certain expletive, was a mere but pleasurable coincidence.

I strongly believe that, although perhaps statement of opinion different from mine, does not a psychiatric diagnosis make :), that certain mentalities are detrimental to existing problems related to drug abuse, HIV/AIDs, racism and similar social issues. But perhaps these ideas (that are perceived wrong by me, which I understand doesn’t make them wrong per se) need to be challenged in a open minded manner themselves. Otherwise, change of attitude towards these issues will never happen, and I believe we need this for change for the better within these complex social matters.

A room with no bed

He lay on the floor,
And cried.
This old sick man.

I stood
And my heart broke
In a way its never done before

I knelt
And I held his hand
And he held mine

A Matter of Trust

Jen and I attended a forum today (shocked?)- called “Who Needs an Islamic State”. Now in our forum going euphoria we didn’t think twice. So we headed on our merry way. When we arrived we were greeted by two lovely ladies from the Muslims Professional Forum who welcomed us, and were excited that we were there. The excitement at these things is so infectious that we couldn’t help but be excited ourselves.

All speakers handled this quite sensitive, and very potentially controversial topic with grace. My favourite was Dr Dzulkz – he said “You must allow us to have our views, and follow our beliefs” As well as “I don’t use the term non-muslim, I prefer believers of other faiths". Hell yeah. The man is a star in my book.

Anyway, they all had their say, and my heart was filled with excitement for the understanding and open-mindedness that was going on in this seemingly tolerant space. Then the questions began.

Now the questions ranged from the typical crap, to some quite interesting though long winded questions. It wasn’t the questions themselves that bothered me.

What got me, was what people applauded at. They applauded things like “how will we create an army without an Islamic state”. People quoted fitna! So basically, for the first time, my emotions at a forum were based on what my fellow Malaysians sitting next to me were thinking and feeling rather than the speakers. The enthusiasm at things I was hardly enthusiastic at, and the disdain of things I passionately felt for were contradictions I was not used to feeling at these forums. Having said that, everything about this forum, except for the presence of Malik Imtiaz, was different about the peri-election forums that I attended.

It made me feel cold, and it made me feel sad.

It made me feel like the thought of an Islamic state is scary. And that has nothing to do with Islam. I feel comfortable with Islam, and I trust Islam.

Trust is an arbitrary thing. Personally, trust is something in my heart. It has nothing to do with practicality. There are certain people in the political scene, that I greatly admire, but that are few and far between that I trust. Is that a good thing, Im not sure. But its me. I trust Sivarasa, and I now trust Dr Dzulkz. I feel I lost something at this forum, and that was trust in my fellow Malaysian.

And that is the hardest thing to lose. I felt shaky, after the forum (we had to go and have a stiff drink after). This land, this country is the only thing in the world I know is mine. Truly mine. And I know I belong to this country and to no other. And that has held me strong for most of my years.

If I can not trust my fellow Malaysian, I can not trust Malaysia. If I can not trust my own home, my feet have nowhere to land and my heart nowhere to rest.

It'll happen

It’ll happen

I know it will
Its in my heart, its wedged between the orifices of my soul
Like it always has been

It’ll happen

The tears, the laughter, the fight and the love
Will in the end give way
Like it always has

It’ll happen

The success, the fighters, the struggle and the sacrifice
Will soon be forgotten
Like we always do